abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete'
thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often
just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been
done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three,
but as much as all of the following questions:
Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with
you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you
even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised
by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something
they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger,
or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself
questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues
with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them
up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel
uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions?
Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your
Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues
of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement
planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional
energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something
he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little
day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
Do you sometimes feel like there is something
wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever,
share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
Does your mate almost always disagree with you?
If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to
be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are
wrong and he is right?
Are you punished when you say "No", or are you
made to feel you haven't the right to say Stop this? Do you feel
obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance
if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold
Do you feel like your mate holds all the power
in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do
something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize
for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and
'humble' to them?
Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing
your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize
your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you
visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and
argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing
down to him' behavior embarrass you?
Do you think that everything is your fault and
that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the
Do you often give in to his sexual demands to
keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands,
even if you don't want to?
Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his
personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy
'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
Does he make fun of you or joke around about
Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself,
or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong?
Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior
and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you
and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for
Does he make all the decisions in the relationship?
Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline,
the car, etc?
Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your
spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete
freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught
you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?
If you have answered yes to just three of these
questions, odds are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You probably
find yourself often depressed and wondering why. You may just feel 'unhappy'
but can't put your finger on the source of your unhappiness. Or you may find
yourself thinking that you are clumsy, stupid, incompetent, wrong, or no-good.
These are all subtle signs of being emotionally abused.